The gift of feedback
A girlfriend recently turned 39. She had the customary drinks planned to celebrate the onset of the milestone 40th year. Her invite message stated:
“As I charge toward my 40th year, I want to use this year to refine the good parts and change the not so good. I want to make space for good habits and more good people. So, I would like you to please think about one thing you love about me and one growth/opportunity. Feel free to be honest and let’s have some fun with it. Would you please bring them, on two separate strips and bring them with you to the party. Consider this as a very valuable gift to me.”
Even though I didn’t make it to the party, I did send her the gift of my feedback. I felt very humbled to have been asked and extremely privileged that I could contribute to her journey.
This was a complete contrast to a lot of 'feedback' situations I have experienced through my career. Feedback is often considered in the 'too hard' basket. Giving feedback to people in our personal lives, even more so.
A lot of people shy away from it, avoid it and even try and delegate it!
There are many books and training courses dedicated to this subject, consultants and coaches who make a living out of training on feedback skills and HR professionals who spend most of their working lives advocating for it.
So here are a few things that happened in this scenario, that could make it to the best practice list for both giving and receiving feedback:
She invited it.
She made it safe.
She was vulnerable.
It made me feel,
honoured and privileged.
more connected to her.
invested in her journey of growing herself.
committed to providing her meaningful and authentic feedback.
What makes us avoid FEEDBACK? Why is it so hard?
Professor Andrew Miner (then of the University of Minnesota) and colleagues in a study published in 2005 recorded employees’ moods several times each day and, each time, asked them if any events (such as a positive interaction with a co-worker) had occurred within the past few hours. Their study highlighted that employees reacted to a negative interaction with their boss six times more strongly than they reacted to a positive interaction with their boss. This suggests that negative feedback can have significant adverse effects on employee well-being — and, presumably, their productivity. The impact of poor feedback on our personal relationships, would be similar.
So what is in the way of us delivering feedback well?
We have a reactive approach to feedback.
We wait too long. It becomes irrelevant relevant and loses recency.
We wait for the situation to escalate and become a full on conflict.
We assume it will be a difficult conversation
We fear that it will make us unpopular and unloved.
We allow one challenging situation to cloud our view of the individual/s completely.
And finally, our own previous experience of poor feedback situations, makes us want to avoid them completely.
Feedback often tells you more about the person giving it, than about you. -Stephen Covey
How can we truly offer feedback as a gift?
The answer lies in what we think about feedback and how we approach it.
Check-in with your own intention when giving feedback. If you go in with the intention of truly helping the individual grow, thrive and develop, you will be able to provide meaningful feedback that is capable of creating a real shift for the individual. If you provide self-serving feedback i.e. serves your own personal short-term gain, the chances are it will be challenged, pushed back, dismissed, or just won’t stick.
The key to effective feedback lies in our intentions. Your intention must be about helping others, not just yourself.
Ask yourself, 'When did I ever do that?' This is a very powerful question to ask yourself. It is the quickest way to get off-judgement about another person. Seeing yourself in their shoes, makes you empathetic and allows you to connect in a more authentic way.
Identify the gift and the burden of the particular behaviour/pattern. Whatever the development/growth opportunity for an individual, it exists because it has 'served' the individual well in some way. Recognise that. Once people see the gift of their behaviours/patterns, they are more likely to let go of the burden.
Example: Recognise that someone’s perfectionistic tendencies have led them to succeed in their career, but is now in the way of them growing their team.
Talk to the ‘top values’ of the recipient. If the recipient of the feedback is highly 'achievement' driven, connect how their brisk style and lack of empathy is impacting their team from 'performing' and hitting KPIs. It creates a very quick connection with what the individual cares about and values. As they value it, they are more likely to change.
Stay curious. This will help you connect with what might be going on for the other person and be more compassionate in your conversation. Listening is key. A Zenger and Folkman study asked respondents to rate how well managers 'carefully listened to the other person’s point of view about a problem before giving them feedback' and how effective the feedback was that their manager gave them. Simply put, the less people felt their managers listened to them, the more likely they were to believe that their managers were not being honest and straightforward. Furthermore, those who felt strongly that their managers listened to them rated them high on their ability to give honest feedback.
Practice what you preach. Practice receiving feedback well. When you can do that, you have more empathy for others when roles are reversed. Actively ask for it. Demonstrate vulnerability. Listen. Be grateful for the feedback. It is the best gift you will give yourself.
