It’s not my fault. My 'amygdala' has been hijacked.
The 'what' hijack you may ask me? The 'amygdala hijack' is a termed coined by Daniel Goleman in his book Emotional Intelligence.
The amygdala refers to two almond shaped glands that sits just behind our ears. They actually control our lives- or to be more specific, how we react in life. The amygdala is responsible for our fight-flight-freeze response when faced with a ‘perceived threat’.
Now why am I telling you about it and why should you know more?
Let me illustrate this with a story.
I have been part of the corporate world for more than 15 years. For many years, I had wanted to set up my own coaching practice. But, I was unable to take the leap. I found ‘safety’ in being part of an organisation, having a title and a secure bank balance.
When I finally did take that leap and began working for myself, it was challenging and overwhelming. It required a different mindset, a new way of working and new way of thinking. I knew I would need to invest some initial ‘seed capital’ to get my business up and running. There would be set up costs and these were expected. In typical entrepreneurial mindset, I was conscious of the bank account and closely managing my expenses. However, in actual fact, I was resisting making expenses… delaying them…. procrastinating decisions… waiting for that one big deal that will pay for the expenses. I was even feeling guilty about the $4 latte!
I saw a video by Kerwin Rae themed on 'what’s your relationship with money'.
Most relationships are complex at best. The one with money even more so. I began examining my own relationships with money. I asked myself,
What were my beliefs?
What were the ingrained stories?
In the video Kerwin asked, "how many people had parents who argued about money?" How many people had parents who said "money is the root of all evil?"
I could say yes to almost all of them. So, what was my belief system? Where did it come from?
My parents were first time entrepreneurs. They saw both big successes and big losses. They experienced a massive stock market crash which wiped away significant savings. This put a lot of pressure on the family and my parents most so. From the eyes of a young child, while I didn’t understand the intricate details of what went on, I did form some beliefs about money.
Money should never be wasted.
There will not be enough.
Don’t take risks, because you will lose all your money.
Scarily, this view formed by my 7-year old self, unconsciously still dictates a lot of my life choices - how I choose to spend, save and make money and also my ability to take risks.
Luckily, neuroscience can explain this phenomenon in more detail.
Here is a very simple 'dummies version' of what happens in our brain.
Between the ages of 0-4 years, we have limited language. Only our emotional centre of the brain is developed and we perceive the world as 'pain' or 'pleasure'. We have limited cognitive abilities of logic, rational thinking and questioning. Our perceptions of how we experience the world in those early years, creates neural pathways in our brain and our belief systems get embedded. We spend our whole life reinforcing these beliefs by actively looking for 'data' that supports our beliefs. This is what drive our values, priorities, life choices, thoughts and feelings and our actions.
What is important to note here is: it is not what actually happened that matters. It is what we perceive , that forms our belief systems.
This is where the amygdala comes in.
The amygdala is like an antenna that keeps looking out for threats. In our more primitive state, it served a great function- it kept us safe in the face of a threat. However, it can not distinguish between a threat to our physical survival and a social threat or a threat to our ego. As soon as a 'perceived threat' appears it kicks in our body response into fight, flight or freeze.
So, the amygdala is incredibly useful when you are being attacked at gun point, not so much when you are feeling challenged in a meeting!
My amygdala was perceiving ‘spending money’ as a risk and therefore, a threat to my ‘safety’. When the amygdala kicks in, it bypasses the pre-frontal cortex i.e. our thinking, logical and rational brain. This often causes us to make emotional, irrational decisions. The record of experiences in the hippocampus (our memory centre) tells the amygdala that it is a fight, flight or freeze situation, then the amygdala releases a cocktail of chemicals, hijacking the rational brain.
I realised that my default setting with money was flight or freeze. I was avoiding spending money or feeling extremely guilty on doing so. Despite, several reassurances from my husband and close scrutiny of our bank statement, it did not change the way I felt about the situation. I was not ready to feel ‘safe’ and financially secure.
Now I know, it was an emotional , irrational response. I realised that my inability to progress, was an old story playing out.
This story had served me really well over the years as I had made good financial choices and become financially independent and secure at a very early age. However, I did not need the limiting mindsets. I was ready to reframe my story.
What is your story?
Our stories are hidden underneath our patterns and triggers. They come from our past experiences and become the filter with which we respond to and look at the world. Remember, that it is not what actually happened that matters, it is the meaning that we give it that makes up the story we carry in our life.
You can look in your life and examine:
What are your recurring patterns?
What is the one thing that you might often have a 'disproportionate' response to?
What is the one thing that makes you consistently over-react?
How can you stop your old stories from playing out? How can you manage your amygdala from hijacking you?
Name it to Tame it. Awareness of our patterns is key. Identify your triggers and where they come from in your life. Are there specific situations, people or behaviours that trigger you? Do others consistently point out that you have disproportionate responses to particular triggers? Are there recurrent patterns you keep playing out that are not serving you?
Reframe the story. Is your story keeping you stuck? Reflect on the life experience that created your story. What beliefs did you form? How are your beliefs serving you and not serving you now? How can you reframe this to a positive story?
Know your symptoms. Often, you are more prone to getting triggered when you are tired, stressed or anxious. This is when the brain produces cortisol and adrenaline which is preparing our bodies for a fight and to defend ourselves. What happens in your body, when you feel triggered? Identify what your default pattern is- are you a fighter, flight-er or a freez-er? Early detection of a hijack, means you can diffuse it sooner.
Press Pause. Calling 'time-out' in the midst of an amygdala hijack is very useful. It creates space. Space for a thought to come in. Space for you to engage your ‘thinking’ brain. Having a full-blown amygdala hijack is akin to losing 10-15 points of IQ temporarily.
Count to 10. It’s the classic advice your mum gave you about counting to 10, when you get angry. It does in fact take the amygdala 7 seconds to come out of a hijack and engage the pre-frontal cortex.
Breathe deeply. Your breath is your connection with the ‘now’. It helps you slow down.
Walk away. Remove yourself from a situation especially if you are prone to having a fight response. Go for a walk. Get a drink of water.
Ask yourself a question. This allows you to access your rational thinking brain and allows you to have a more considered response. It is a way of doing a quick emotional audit to check in with yourself , which can help with both self-awareness and self- management. Here are five questions that can you can ask yourself:
What am I thinking?
What am I feeling?
What do I want now?
How am I getting in my way?
What do I need to do differently now?
