The Peace Table
We have been recently looking at schools for our 4-year old. As part of the school tour at a Montessori school, we were introduced to the concept of the Peace Table. It was part of their philosophy to inculcate skills to help children resolve conflict.
This is how the concept of the peace table works:
The two children, in a conflict situation, sit down together face-to-face. They take ‘calm down’ time prior to sitting down on the table. The children take turns to share how they feel and how the other child’s actions, impacted them. The child who is talking, places their hand on their heart, to symbolize that they are speaking their 'truth' from their heart. The child who is listening, does not interrupt and raises their hand when they want to present their views. They wait for the other child to finish before sharing their own feelings and having their say. The conversation, while it is facilitated by an adult, is primarily self-managed by the children themselves.
The outcome:
The children vent their feelings, find a resolution and are able to work and play constructively together.
When both parties have had the opportunity to clearly articulate their concerns, they feel like they have been heard. The way for the children to resolve their issue is clear. They find a solution that works for them. I was blown away by this. A few things stood out for me.
The children were:
encouraged to discuss what is important to them- their values.
learning to take accountability to resolve their issues- their conflict
check-in with their own intention for the conversation- their truth
encouraged to talk from their heart- share their feelings
respect the other person and their point of view- listen deeply
being steered towards finding a mutual resolution- a win-win outcome
If 6-year olds can master this, surely as adults, we can learn to resolve conflict in the same way. This could be a very useful skill to have in our professional and personal lives.
The single biggest problem in communication, is the illusion that it has taken place. - George Bernard Shaw
So what is in the way of us having our own version of the 'Peace Table' to resolve conflicts?
In a study done in the UK by the Chartered Management Institute two-thirds of the 2,000 workers surveyed said they were stressed or anxious if they knew a difficult conversation was coming, while 11% said they suffered from nightmares or poor sleep in the build-up to a difficult work conversation. The study also identified the main caused behind the fear of having these challenging conversations
Not knowing how the other person will respond – 43%
Not being able to get a point across clearly – 31%
Being in a confrontational situation – 29%
Getting upset or emotional – 29%
The other person getting upset or emotional – 21%
The survey also revealed that 57% of respondents said they would do almost anything to avoid a difficult conversation; and 52% said they would rather put up with a negative situation at work than have to talk about it.
Let’s explore the nature of conflict a little bit more and how we get to a full-blown conflict situation.
It often escalates on a trajectory that looks like this.
Discomfort- You have a ‘sense’ that something does not feel right. You are unsure of what the ‘real’ problem is.
Incident- An incident occurs. There is a sharp exchange and your internal reaction is annoyance and irritation.
Misunderstanding- You confuse motives and facts. You keep thinking back to the problem.
Tension- The relationship deteriorates and become a source of concern.
Full blown conflict- Normal interaction and behavior is affected. It often results in a major blowout.
I am sure each of us has experienced varying levels of conflict and been on this trajectory several times with different people and situations. The time frame between each step might get compressed depending on the acuity of the situation.
I want to highlight what triggers a conflict i.e. the moment, when we first begin to feel discomfort, this is when one of our ‘personal values’ is challenged. Our values highlight what is important to us in our lives- our priorities.
So with this insight, how can we approach conflict differently?
Set an Intention. Our 'intention' is our underlying purpose. Conscious and sub-conscious intentions are the reason that we choose to act or respond in particular ways. Clarifying our intent and making it conscious give us clear focus and allows us to direct our attention. Setting an intention which is based in the higher good of your relationship or the situation at hand, helps you consciously and unconsciously drive your behaviors towards a win-win outcome.
Know your Values. We experience each event through the lens of our personal values. Knowing our values helps define our boundaries. When we 'perceive' that what is important to us is being challenged, disrespected, threatened or diminished in any way, we get triggered and this leads to conflict. I use the term ‘perceived’ because the root of the conflict lies in our perception. Understanding this helps us take accountability for our 50% in any conflict situation.
If there is any one secret of success, it lies in the ability to get the other person’s point of view and see things from that person’s angle as well as your own. - Henry Ford
Know their Values. Reflect on what values are important to the other person, in the conflict situation. If you connect with what is important to them, you connect with them. This opens up the channel for a meaningful conversation and creates the willingness to work towards a win-win outcome.
Own your 50%. The first part is having a conversation with yourself. Answer for yourself:
What is going on for me (thoughts, feelings, sensations) as I think of the person or situation?
What emotions am I holding back?
Which value of mine is being challenged or triggered in this situation?
What is my fear? What will happen if I share how I feel? What might I lose out on by addressing this situation and having a conversation?
What does a win-win look like?
Having the courageous conversation with your own self, diffuses the emotional charge. It allows you to work towards a win-win outcome and also enables you to look at others with empathy and compassion.
Speak your truth. State clearly and openly what you have observed. Share how you feel and which of your personal values was triggered. Acknowledge and own your part in creating the conflict. Share your intention of what you would love to achieve together with the other person.
Co-create a win-win outcome. Remain curious about what might be important to the other person and what does their preferred outcome look like. Listen deeply. Find a path or way forward that honours what is important for both parties and helps each person remain loyal to their values. This is easier when you go in with the right intention and awareness of our own values.
I would love to hear about your version of the Peace Table and how it has helped you create a win-win outcome.
